Past is past

Forewarning: this is not written due to anything I have done: I love you Beth... This is written just to be written.

So I am the first to admit that I have made my mistakes in the past. Either with people that were in my life, or with situations that come up. I have paid for my mistakes too, financially and emotionally, some I still pay for on both sides of that coin. I recently realized that as often as I have thought to myself that I did not need a college education due to our societies failed attempt at an education system, I really do need one. Because there are jobs that require it, even if you already have the experience necessary. As I have thought about all the opportunities that have come and passed to get free education, I kick myself. I also tend to look at all other mistakes I have made in my life and kick myself again. I think of the wrecks that I have been in, cars, relationships, and many others and think to myself how I could have done things different. Instead of burned bridges, created bonds. Thought things out before I hit the pedal for the fatal U-turn/stop sign/ move/open my mouth. Then I think, "will this be one of those moments?" "would I be here in this place in life with my wife and son?" "would I be with my wife and son?" All my mistakes are mine. Without them I would not have the joy I have today. I would not know how much I really am loved. I would not know the compassion I feel at times. Honestly I wish we as a race did not have to waste time going through the crapfest that the rest of the world wants us to attend to come to these conclusions. I watch as past friends move on with their lives, unaware that they changed a life one way or another. I fear for the lives that I have touched for the negative. I fear for those that I will have to face one day that will point at me saying, "It was him, it was his fault." It may have been something I said just to say it, just to make someone like me or hate me depending on the situation. We all do it, we all try to bend a situation to justify our actions. Eventually that turn that someone took that led to someone else totally unknown to come in and blind side a friendship, destroying what held the two people together was all one or the others fault. First there are emotions, inside and out. Then you try to figure out where you stand. You fall apart, then you pay your price. The hurt feelings misplaced due to the heightened emotional tension. A car wreck of lives that lay open for far too long. In the end it was some dudes fault that caused it. That "some dude" being me... I can handle the blame of everything that has happened in my life. I just hope... well, I really don't know what I hope in anything like this... I know I have learned, is that good enough?

I am not writing this as a pity fest, more of an acknowledgment to the fact that we are all human. We make mistakes, we go on. Hopefully we learn. I for one am grateful for them. They draw me closer to God. To my family. Although sometimes they drag me away from those that mean so much in my life, my friends. My wife and brothers know how I can be with those I consider friends. I have been accused of being too loyal, too giving. Maybe it is that I try to remind myself the scripture "If ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren." I know I have a long ways to go. I would never say to follow my example. I feel now that I am tooting my own horn, I'm not. I just write what I feel, no erasers, too many people try to erase and to modify their words to fit to what they feel would make others feel more comfortable with. I feel this is another failing in our society, so I try not to follow it in my writings.

To all those that I have crossed paths with, I doubt you would read this (due to the fact that my wife and maybe one other person ever read this [and no this is not a call for more readers]), I hope that you all know that my life is better for your interaction with it. For those that laughed at me, for those that laughed with me, for those that looked on unknowingly, thank you. Every day I think of so many people that have come through my life and how unknowingly some of them changed me, while others knowingly have. I think of, and thank God for, their lessons. For the small things that they do that may seem insignificant, I am thankful for. Now if only I could put to use all the lessons they have given me.

I ramble for my own comfort. And now I cease.