Been a while since I posted. I have been frustrated and overwhelmed by how far everything has gone. I made a lot of decisions about it too. I decided, on some well placed advice from a very old and sick man, that I do as Christ did, tell my story when asked to only. He explained that Christ did not stand on a wall and yell out to others telling them who he was or what was to come or what was to happen to the people/country/world. That he answered only what he was asked, gave small hints in doing so and then let them govern themselves. He did what he could without encroaching on others, so I guess that is the path I am trying to take.
So on to other subjects.
I have been thinking a lot on how each of us affects another's life without knowing it. how we are more connected than we think. We assume that we have no affect when we do. Kinda like the Butterfly Effect Theory. I have also been thinking how this affects our judgments, especially on those that we know have affected our lives. I tend to think in extremes, sometimes as if I know how someone feels about me in particular, or how the outcome of something that has not happened will affect me, fearing it happening, if it ever does. All of it negative, usually leading to a sour mood. But I look back on it and it is always something small that sets it off, and I wonder if I am alone in how this is, if I am the only one that thinks this way. I know I am not, but it does not feel that way. I sometimes wonder why some people are mad at things that happened years ago and let it affect them for such a long time, festering and preventing them from having valid relationships in some cases. Even if their current life is something they love, how their disgust, hate, or dismay seems to cast shadows on parts of their lives preventing them from seeing the good that was there. I have normally been the type that looks back and sees the good and forgets the bad. There are few things that I remember the bad for, but they are the extremes. That is why it confuses me. I still have nightmares about being beat up by the same kids that bullied me in Jr High and High school. I still hurt inside from the pain that abuse from parental figures caused me, and a little from abandonment. I don't think on them often, only when I can't sleep due to them. I have been accused of holding on to things. I hope that don't. If I saw those that caused me pain, I think I would reflect on the pain, but would not dwell. Would it be bad if I would "care less" about what is happening in their lives? I would be sad if I heard of some loss that happened to them, but I am not going to search them out and break bread with them. I wonder if my attachments to past associates is too much at times. As if the friendships were never lost or tarnished with time. Other times, with those that seem the closest, I fear that I have wronged them with my peculiar behavior, killing what little precious friendship I had cultivated with them, leaving the dead vine of resentment I think they feel towards me. I don't know it if it is true, how they feel, I only know about the ones that have actually shown their feelings to me. I only know of those that have accused me of destroying their lives, or have shown me how they feel with their piercing glares, looks of disgust or the smiles (those are the ones I like). After this long self evaluation of my random and wondering thoughts I think this has come to an end, because I realize I cannot control what others feel towards me. I can only control what I feel towards them. I want to feel love and compassion for all, and I still struggle with that, but I hope I have made advancements with it. So in the end I remind myself as often as I can that I cannot control others feelings. There are many more things that I would like to ramble on about right now, but the clock strikes late and I must attend to other things.
