Feelings Buried

So this last week at church one of the speakers was talking and I cannot recall about but I know that something triggered me to think of the year 1987. That was the year that my parents got divorce. That was 21 years ago. Whenever I have thought of it in the past I always remember the time that I first found out that they were separating, I was in the Pontiac wagon we had, it had pealing wood-like vinyl siding instead of a paint job. I was sitting in the back seat and my mom was driving us to the baby sitters just outside of the small town I grew up in. We had just passed the local airstrip, a landmark that signified the edge of town in my mind. My brothers were talking about what a divorce was and asked me if I knew what it was, I said yes. I then stated it was the same thing that one of the kids I knew at schools parents got. Besides a brief day spent in the park in Rexburg because my oldest brother went in to court with my parents, that was the last I ever remembered of the divorce. That was until Sunday in church. All these feelings started to flood into me, feelings I did not remember having. Along with them came a frenzied amount of moments. I remembered how much it had hurt me and how I had prayed for years to get my parents back together, all the way till right before I was 19. I remembered all the moments that I thought to myself, "why?" It overcame me to the point of tears. 21 years later, sitting in a church holding my son, I had tears. I could usually always remember what it is I saw and heard throughout the whole experience, but never really tried to recall the feelings, I guess that I always thought I knew what they were from just recalling what I saw.
I keep wanting to say that I recalled the movie, because that is how i see it in my head.
I then went on to remember some of the things I went through with my step-father. What my brothers went through, and my mother too. I really wish that had written this all sooner because I have a hard time recalling all that I saw in my head and felt as I went through this. It seems as though I have buried the feelings all over again. I guess next time I will do better to get them down faster.
I went on to remember how much I wanted my mom and dad back together but that I did not want to lose my step-mom. She has been so much to me in my life. All that she has influenced in me and how she has molded me. I would have to say that a lot of the better side of me is from her. Maybe the best way to put it is that she took what my mother had already given me and made it shine more. Both my mothers have been very influential on my life, I would not trade one out for the other. So as I end, I know that there was a lot of things that were good, even great, that came from the divorce. I know I was hurt and that my brothers were all hurt too. Some may have been more than I know, we all turned out pretty decent. I feel that in the end it is up to me to overcome and let go of what happened, that I cannot depend on others to do that for me. Sometimes I feel that there are those that think that it is others fault for hurting them, I believe that we have to let them hurt us to be hurt. Maybe I heard that somewhere and it actually stuck. This whole time I could have seen the brighter side and could have let it all go but I did not and it is harder than ever to let go. I have carried these rocks so long I have almost grown fond of them tiring me out and slowing me down. I want to let it all go, but I really have no idea how to, or how to recall those feelings so that I might get it al out. Then maybe the next time I will not only write it all down when it comes but get it all out. Maybe then I might be able to ponder just a bit longer on it to see how it has affected the rest of my life. As of now I don't know. As of now they are not bothering me so I don't focus on them. It is as if I don't care that they are there, yet I write...

I am a huge fan of the Tesla Motors car company, so I just wanted to share this with everyone.

Watch it here.

Should we?

A friend posted this comment in the aspect of if we should reach for all that we can do in this life. Here is what I posted in his comments. 

"men are that they might have joy" ~ I think we should reach for all that we can be, although limit ourselves only if it takes away from the freedom of others. I always remember this talk I heard where the person speaking said that hell would be looking back at our life and knowing that we could have done more for others and more with our own life. Then I think of the parable of the talents, and think that I have been given so much I need to be able to go out there and reach for more and share more, lest what I have be taken from me and given to another. We so often look at that as a parable of what talents we have in our terminology of what a talent is, when it was about money, which could also be time, or ability or capability. You could dunk a basketball on that hoop if you started working towards it, it would not be immediate, but you could do it. It would not be easy, and it would take lots of effort, but I really believe that people can get what they focus on because it has happened way too many times to me for it to be a coincidence. You are right on the thought, of "should we". I do not think God wants us to be unhappy in any extent and as He states He is a good Father that knows how to give good gifts. For us to deny our abilities to reach for what we can in this life is denying Him the gifts that He has for us, and what right do we have to say as in what gifts of His for us are better than the others.

Working.

So I just got done with sitting down with a family and helping them with their finances. I feel good about it, that is why I continue to do it. It felt good to help them save money and set some aside in what we know to be a down market and actually have some growth off of it. Doing this work helps me learn more about myself than about others. I learn a lot about others, believe me, but because of those that I work around, they help me look into myself at the same time, helping me refine myself. Sometimes I feel like the iron in the forge, constantly getting hit and pummeled while the heat is on, but then you get to sit down and use those things that you learn and it is like the moment the iron gets put into the water to cool. I bet that iron feels refreshed and ready to go at it all again after a cool down like that. I realize that I do not think like others, that my mind does not work along the same lines as those around me and that some things that others catch on to fast take me some time to get a grasp of. I realized that it is because I like to imagine all the possibilities of something, and that takes me down a million roads in my mind within a few moments. Then I get excited and then I over inform others, and then no one knows what it is I am talking about because they were going down one road steadily that I already took in my mind along with all the others. I think I need to focus on what the end goal is and not let myself get off that track. 

So there you have it, a glimpse inside the madman's mind. I am my minds architect, and sometimes I wonder at how I did it. It makes me smile and confused at the same time.

First entry

Just thought that I would get some things out into the webosphere, you know, since everyone else is doing it I may as well do it too. 

I have been married for 5 years and this last September we had our first born child. He is such a handful of joy and fun. We named him Ethan, a good hebrew name that stands for "firmness, steadfastness, constancy, strong, impetuous". We really did not know what it was we just liked the name and ran with it. 

As you can see he is a beautiful boy, we love him more than we could have ever imagined.

Beth is a stay at home mom now, has been since right before his birth. She loves it at times and other times it is trying. I could not do it, I love my son more than life itself but I could not do what she does, I am glad I married such a strong woman. 

I have been working 2 full time jobs, one is with an IT firm doing support for hospitals and the other is with a financial firm, running an office and directing a team of agents. Between the two I do not get to see my boy too often but I do it so that in a year or less I can spend all the time I want with him, a sacrifice I am willing to take so that I can give more later. 

Off to another subject. Lately I have been fascinated by some of the things some of the locals here in Phoenix AZ will do to their cars to make them look good or "faster". A friend of mine and I have started to come up with a set of rules for what items added do what to a car, most of them are end up focusing on the horse power output of the car with varying degrees of other factors. We may start a totally different site about it here in the near future. We just laugh at what people will do to their cars to make them look good, or to make them unique. When we get that up I will let you all know.

That is it for now, focus on what you want, not what you don't want and life will give it to you.

Joe