Feelings Buried

So this last week at church one of the speakers was talking and I cannot recall about but I know that something triggered me to think of the year 1987. That was the year that my parents got divorce. That was 21 years ago. Whenever I have thought of it in the past I always remember the time that I first found out that they were separating, I was in the Pontiac wagon we had, it had pealing wood-like vinyl siding instead of a paint job. I was sitting in the back seat and my mom was driving us to the baby sitters just outside of the small town I grew up in. We had just passed the local airstrip, a landmark that signified the edge of town in my mind. My brothers were talking about what a divorce was and asked me if I knew what it was, I said yes. I then stated it was the same thing that one of the kids I knew at schools parents got. Besides a brief day spent in the park in Rexburg because my oldest brother went in to court with my parents, that was the last I ever remembered of the divorce. That was until Sunday in church. All these feelings started to flood into me, feelings I did not remember having. Along with them came a frenzied amount of moments. I remembered how much it had hurt me and how I had prayed for years to get my parents back together, all the way till right before I was 19. I remembered all the moments that I thought to myself, "why?" It overcame me to the point of tears. 21 years later, sitting in a church holding my son, I had tears. I could usually always remember what it is I saw and heard throughout the whole experience, but never really tried to recall the feelings, I guess that I always thought I knew what they were from just recalling what I saw.
I keep wanting to say that I recalled the movie, because that is how i see it in my head.
I then went on to remember some of the things I went through with my step-father. What my brothers went through, and my mother too. I really wish that had written this all sooner because I have a hard time recalling all that I saw in my head and felt as I went through this. It seems as though I have buried the feelings all over again. I guess next time I will do better to get them down faster.
I went on to remember how much I wanted my mom and dad back together but that I did not want to lose my step-mom. She has been so much to me in my life. All that she has influenced in me and how she has molded me. I would have to say that a lot of the better side of me is from her. Maybe the best way to put it is that she took what my mother had already given me and made it shine more. Both my mothers have been very influential on my life, I would not trade one out for the other. So as I end, I know that there was a lot of things that were good, even great, that came from the divorce. I know I was hurt and that my brothers were all hurt too. Some may have been more than I know, we all turned out pretty decent. I feel that in the end it is up to me to overcome and let go of what happened, that I cannot depend on others to do that for me. Sometimes I feel that there are those that think that it is others fault for hurting them, I believe that we have to let them hurt us to be hurt. Maybe I heard that somewhere and it actually stuck. This whole time I could have seen the brighter side and could have let it all go but I did not and it is harder than ever to let go. I have carried these rocks so long I have almost grown fond of them tiring me out and slowing me down. I want to let it all go, but I really have no idea how to, or how to recall those feelings so that I might get it al out. Then maybe the next time I will not only write it all down when it comes but get it all out. Maybe then I might be able to ponder just a bit longer on it to see how it has affected the rest of my life. As of now I don't know. As of now they are not bothering me so I don't focus on them. It is as if I don't care that they are there, yet I write...