Stupid boy...

So I am the first to admit that I have a hard time making or keeping friends. I tend not to keep up with people feeling that they are much like me, all I need is a hello every once in a while and I am good. So when we have people over I tend to get nervous/excited, but not that I feel it heavily inside. It just happens and I tend to throw out really random things, creating connections in my head with random topics to the conversations that are going on at the moment, trying not to let the conversations die. In other words; I become a really big dork. This week proved that all the more as we had several days where there were people that came over, some planned, some not, and I shifted into dork mode. What is really sad is that I realize that this happens, after it has come and gone. I have realized that I am a topper, not by choice, but for some reason I feel like I have to contribute something to the conversation and it has to sound good. I hate that I do that and am trying to work on it. The other thing I realized is that I have lived a fantastic life, I have experienced so much more than the normal person that some of the things I have experienced seem unreal. I remember my Father telling me this when I was younger, and that I should savor it. Of course I did not, but I still lived a wonderful, exciting and extraordinary life. Maybe it happened like that so that an ordinary person could have extraordinary stories. So to all those that know that I have done a topper story, please forgive me. I am learning everyday how to be more social. I tend to think about conversations over and over in my head and think to myself how I destroyed all hope in overcoming my view of myself, and others views of me, in this light with the things I do and say. In other words, I beat myself up a lot over these things, no need for anyone to do it more than I do already.

I will make an end to my public self flogging.