This past few months I have been about as contained as I would ever like to be. My little family has lived with my brother in two of his rooms, then off to my in laws to stay in a room that could be more accurately described as a walk in closet. My Older boy slept in the hallway right outside our door in a playpen that he was way to small to sleep in. My youngest slept on a foam pad at the bottom of the futon that my wife and I slept on. I am by far eternally grateful for these experiences and for the family that lovingly allowed us (especially me and my bluntness) to stay with them. We now live in a home that my oldest does not have to be watched in at every moment, that both of my boys can sleep in beds that are more fitting in more ways than one. A place that we do not have to account to as many people that we did before for every little thing that we do. We are more free. I appreciate all of the wonderful people that helped us along the way. Our ward that we moved out of and have now moved back into, our families, and those people that we are blessed enough to be considered friends to.
The funny thing is that I still feel like I have not found my place. I went to school to become a recording engineer, studied business in the RIAA, and have interests in just about everything that one can think of. I love studying how things work, the physics of our universe, the nature and tendencies of the human mind, and even now and again computers. My heart is found in music, but then I feel that I am betraying all the other things that I love to read about. I have been trying to figure out what to go back to school for. I look at the bottom line and know that if I do, this time I need to go into something that I know I would have a job afterwards in. I have tangled with the thought of a Speech Therapist, I am also fascinated with child development and addiction psychology. Then there is that ever so cunning thought of being an engineer. And at last, the one thing that gets me passionate besides my family and church is Politics. I want to be useful, now and in the future. I do not know where I belong.
I still feel the same as I have stated in the past about our country. I still feel it is going down and that there are changes. I also know that these changes need to take place before Christ returns to correct all of our blunders. I have been told that I follow Beck, or Hanity, or some of the other voices of Radio Conservatism. Honestly, I do not listen to any of them, I have on occasion, but that has been once or twice. There were times before I ever listened to them that I was excited to hear about others that felt similar to me. After listening to them I found they were similar but there were things they would say or do that I did not like. I am myself on those fronts. I stick to what I have read in the scriptures while keeping an ear firmly to the ground, listening for signs that we have already been given. If that means I have to listen to a speech by one of the Radioites, then I will and immediately do as much homework as I can on it afterwards. I do get excited on things that are said, as those that know me have seen, but then if it can be proven differently with facts that show otherwise, I am quick to acknowledge my folly. there are many things not published that I lean on along with the scriptures, these things I have promised to keep sacred and secure. These things are the things that scare me most, and give me the most hope in our Savior (see acts 2:17-19, 21). They say that in the mouth of two or three witnesses shall his word be established, well, it has been, form the mouths of babes to men with families, and grown men, old in their age. Like I said, I am not a Radioite, even if there are a few things I admire that they have done. That is the one place that I stand firm and know where I belong. I am a Christian. I listen to modern day prophets, called of God. I follow Christ, I have a knowledge that He lives, that He loves me, that He leads His Church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My hope is that I may be perceived more so as such.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Monday, December 21, 2009
Trying to stay on course with my new direction on this Blog.
So this year has been good to my little family. Some may say otherwise.
Recently we moved to Idaho, near Boise. I was to start a job for the DOD in October, I was really excited, it was a job that I knew I could excel at quickly. I had talked to a few people in our ward that worked there and they let me know that with my experience I would be headhunted by other departments after I hired and that would mean a nice raise. I was excited at the prospect... but then they pushed the start date to sometime in November, then they pushed it back again, and then stated that they did not know what was going on, then no contact at all. So I took a job, part time, at a local grocery store working nights stocking the shelves. They had an opening after I started for a computer field tech, I applied and was excited that I may actually start being able to support my family in the way that I should gain. Our savings were being drained, and life living with family is not always how you think it may be, even if you are best friends with them. My eldest boy was doing well, but not treated to well. His cousins did not like to play with him and one of them liked to scream at him all the time and hit him lots. We tried to work these wrinkles out, Ethan is a big kid (2 years old and just about 40 pounds) so I was not worried about him. In fact most times he just sat there smiling not knowing what was going on. Other times he would give his persecutor a big hug. It was very rare that he was hurt by them, I was worried about the emotional conflict that he was having due to Beth or I pulling him out of the situations even when he was not at fault, thus upsetting him and making him feel as if it were his fault. I admit, there were times it was his fault, and we were sure to jump on that as fast as we could. Many times it was not.
Some would say that all of this was leading to a bad years end, I would disagree. I moved to Idaho knowing that that was what I was supposed to do. I have no doubt that was what I was supposed to do. In the process we have a renter in our house in Phoenix that really needed a home. We have income from that house. We will be able to afford a bigger house (once I have been working for time again) We grew closer, as a couple, my wife and I, and as a family. We learned that some things are not as we suppose and not to judge another's situation based on what we perceive, if it be good or bad in perception. I grew closer to my youngest, whom I had a hard time getting close to because how fuss he was. I learned to deal with it and eventually how to make him happy. I have come closer to God, and that I feel is a great blessing. All in all I look at it like the Mormon Battalion, they were asked to leave their comfort, and they struggled on their journey, the test in the end was to see who would obey and who would falter. This I feel was the same, it was to see if my family would obey. I hope that we have proved that we can. This may not be the end of it, there may be more on this journey, and I hope that I am ready for it if there is.
So all in all things are going great, we have our stresses, but those are to be expected. We still have our faith and our family, those things no one can take from us. Things will work out, they always do, so I don't worry. For all those that have helped us along the way, thank you, it is appreciated. May everyone know the spirit of God this holiday season.
Recently we moved to Idaho, near Boise. I was to start a job for the DOD in October, I was really excited, it was a job that I knew I could excel at quickly. I had talked to a few people in our ward that worked there and they let me know that with my experience I would be headhunted by other departments after I hired and that would mean a nice raise. I was excited at the prospect... but then they pushed the start date to sometime in November, then they pushed it back again, and then stated that they did not know what was going on, then no contact at all. So I took a job, part time, at a local grocery store working nights stocking the shelves. They had an opening after I started for a computer field tech, I applied and was excited that I may actually start being able to support my family in the way that I should gain. Our savings were being drained, and life living with family is not always how you think it may be, even if you are best friends with them. My eldest boy was doing well, but not treated to well. His cousins did not like to play with him and one of them liked to scream at him all the time and hit him lots. We tried to work these wrinkles out, Ethan is a big kid (2 years old and just about 40 pounds) so I was not worried about him. In fact most times he just sat there smiling not knowing what was going on. Other times he would give his persecutor a big hug. It was very rare that he was hurt by them, I was worried about the emotional conflict that he was having due to Beth or I pulling him out of the situations even when he was not at fault, thus upsetting him and making him feel as if it were his fault. I admit, there were times it was his fault, and we were sure to jump on that as fast as we could. Many times it was not.
Some would say that all of this was leading to a bad years end, I would disagree. I moved to Idaho knowing that that was what I was supposed to do. I have no doubt that was what I was supposed to do. In the process we have a renter in our house in Phoenix that really needed a home. We have income from that house. We will be able to afford a bigger house (once I have been working for time again) We grew closer, as a couple, my wife and I, and as a family. We learned that some things are not as we suppose and not to judge another's situation based on what we perceive, if it be good or bad in perception. I grew closer to my youngest, whom I had a hard time getting close to because how fuss he was. I learned to deal with it and eventually how to make him happy. I have come closer to God, and that I feel is a great blessing. All in all I look at it like the Mormon Battalion, they were asked to leave their comfort, and they struggled on their journey, the test in the end was to see who would obey and who would falter. This I feel was the same, it was to see if my family would obey. I hope that we have proved that we can. This may not be the end of it, there may be more on this journey, and I hope that I am ready for it if there is.
So all in all things are going great, we have our stresses, but those are to be expected. We still have our faith and our family, those things no one can take from us. Things will work out, they always do, so I don't worry. For all those that have helped us along the way, thank you, it is appreciated. May everyone know the spirit of God this holiday season.
Friday, July 31, 2009
time now
Been a while since I posted. I have been frustrated and overwhelmed by how far everything has gone. I made a lot of decisions about it too. I decided, on some well placed advice from a very old and sick man, that I do as Christ did, tell my story when asked to only. He explained that Christ did not stand on a wall and yell out to others telling them who he was or what was to come or what was to happen to the people/country/world. That he answered only what he was asked, gave small hints in doing so and then let them govern themselves. He did what he could without encroaching on others, so I guess that is the path I am trying to take.
So on to other subjects.
I have been thinking a lot on how each of us affects another's life without knowing it. how we are more connected than we think. We assume that we have no affect when we do. Kinda like the Butterfly Effect Theory. I have also been thinking how this affects our judgments, especially on those that we know have affected our lives. I tend to think in extremes, sometimes as if I know how someone feels about me in particular, or how the outcome of something that has not happened will affect me, fearing it happening, if it ever does. All of it negative, usually leading to a sour mood. But I look back on it and it is always something small that sets it off, and I wonder if I am alone in how this is, if I am the only one that thinks this way. I know I am not, but it does not feel that way. I sometimes wonder why some people are mad at things that happened years ago and let it affect them for such a long time, festering and preventing them from having valid relationships in some cases. Even if their current life is something they love, how their disgust, hate, or dismay seems to cast shadows on parts of their lives preventing them from seeing the good that was there. I have normally been the type that looks back and sees the good and forgets the bad. There are few things that I remember the bad for, but they are the extremes. That is why it confuses me. I still have nightmares about being beat up by the same kids that bullied me in Jr High and High school. I still hurt inside from the pain that abuse from parental figures caused me, and a little from abandonment. I don't think on them often, only when I can't sleep due to them. I have been accused of holding on to things. I hope that don't. If I saw those that caused me pain, I think I would reflect on the pain, but would not dwell. Would it be bad if I would "care less" about what is happening in their lives? I would be sad if I heard of some loss that happened to them, but I am not going to search them out and break bread with them. I wonder if my attachments to past associates is too much at times. As if the friendships were never lost or tarnished with time. Other times, with those that seem the closest, I fear that I have wronged them with my peculiar behavior, killing what little precious friendship I had cultivated with them, leaving the dead vine of resentment I think they feel towards me. I don't know it if it is true, how they feel, I only know about the ones that have actually shown their feelings to me. I only know of those that have accused me of destroying their lives, or have shown me how they feel with their piercing glares, looks of disgust or the smiles (those are the ones I like). After this long self evaluation of my random and wondering thoughts I think this has come to an end, because I realize I cannot control what others feel towards me. I can only control what I feel towards them. I want to feel love and compassion for all, and I still struggle with that, but I hope I have made advancements with it. So in the end I remind myself as often as I can that I cannot control others feelings. There are many more things that I would like to ramble on about right now, but the clock strikes late and I must attend to other things.
So on to other subjects.
I have been thinking a lot on how each of us affects another's life without knowing it. how we are more connected than we think. We assume that we have no affect when we do. Kinda like the Butterfly Effect Theory. I have also been thinking how this affects our judgments, especially on those that we know have affected our lives. I tend to think in extremes, sometimes as if I know how someone feels about me in particular, or how the outcome of something that has not happened will affect me, fearing it happening, if it ever does. All of it negative, usually leading to a sour mood. But I look back on it and it is always something small that sets it off, and I wonder if I am alone in how this is, if I am the only one that thinks this way. I know I am not, but it does not feel that way. I sometimes wonder why some people are mad at things that happened years ago and let it affect them for such a long time, festering and preventing them from having valid relationships in some cases. Even if their current life is something they love, how their disgust, hate, or dismay seems to cast shadows on parts of their lives preventing them from seeing the good that was there. I have normally been the type that looks back and sees the good and forgets the bad. There are few things that I remember the bad for, but they are the extremes. That is why it confuses me. I still have nightmares about being beat up by the same kids that bullied me in Jr High and High school. I still hurt inside from the pain that abuse from parental figures caused me, and a little from abandonment. I don't think on them often, only when I can't sleep due to them. I have been accused of holding on to things. I hope that don't. If I saw those that caused me pain, I think I would reflect on the pain, but would not dwell. Would it be bad if I would "care less" about what is happening in their lives? I would be sad if I heard of some loss that happened to them, but I am not going to search them out and break bread with them. I wonder if my attachments to past associates is too much at times. As if the friendships were never lost or tarnished with time. Other times, with those that seem the closest, I fear that I have wronged them with my peculiar behavior, killing what little precious friendship I had cultivated with them, leaving the dead vine of resentment I think they feel towards me. I don't know it if it is true, how they feel, I only know about the ones that have actually shown their feelings to me. I only know of those that have accused me of destroying their lives, or have shown me how they feel with their piercing glares, looks of disgust or the smiles (those are the ones I like). After this long self evaluation of my random and wondering thoughts I think this has come to an end, because I realize I cannot control what others feel towards me. I can only control what I feel towards them. I want to feel love and compassion for all, and I still struggle with that, but I hope I have made advancements with it. So in the end I remind myself as often as I can that I cannot control others feelings. There are many more things that I would like to ramble on about right now, but the clock strikes late and I must attend to other things.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Here is something important, watch the whole thing, take notes and look up the evidence. The end is the most important part, but the rest has to be watched to understand how important this is.
Friday, March 13, 2009
stuff
So I have the new site up and have invited a friend of mine to blog with me on it. there is so much to talk about on it that I have been slow to post. That and have not been feeling the best recently. that is the end of my excuses.
This site will turn in to everything but political, or will try.
I have been leery about posting items on here about family. I really don't want a target placed on them for things that I post about political items.
So off to the races, this is what is going on in life.
Ethan is now 18 months old, that means I will no longer be in nursery with him at church, that means I can actually do some work in my calling. He has been trying so hard to say new words, we have the books out and read to him a lot. Yesterday he was trying to say car and it was something like "quaaacaar". We are so proud of him as he picks up little things here and there. He has a fascination with his bib drawer, he tends to take any cloth item and store it in there, such as my shirts, dirty bibs, and socks. For a few months now we have been able to ask him to put his clothes in the hamper and he eagerly doe is, and makes sure they are all the way in, not like his dad. Bath time is also a fun time for him, he loves to take a bath so much. we tell him it is time for a bath and he runs off to his room and starts to pull stuff out of place. It is his way of trying to get something done for his bath. We then undress him and tell him to run and he takes off for the bath and climbs in. He gets mad if we do not take his diaper off fast enough for him.
Next is bedtime, he loves it, and that makes us love it even more. We ask him to get his drinks and he gets his water and milk bottles and if one is too low he will bring it to the kitchen and we will fill it up and then he takes both to his room. Then we go through the struggle of brushing his teeth. Prayers are said then one of us sits with him, his blanket that he loves, his glow worm and his bottles, if one is missing he will let us know. He will usually drink his bottle while playing with his glow worm in the dark as we sit there rocking him. Then he will try to say bed, letting us know he wants in his bed, although sometimes bed and book both sound the same and he really wants his book. We set him in his bed and he just plays with his glow worm and talks for about a half hour to an hour and then goes to sleep. We are too lucky to have such a sweet little boy. He loves to torture the cats, especially when they are trying to sleep. He loves to go outside, I can't blame him, not that our house is all that big, I would go nuts in there too. He will run to get his shoes and bang on the door when we say the word "outside" or even if we say something about having to go.
This last week at church I sat in the back of the chapel on the stage due to the whole place being packed like a can of tuna. Ethan and I sat next to another couple form our ward that has a newborn little girl and Ethan was such a sweet little boy to her, he would lay his head on my arm as he gently touched her leg or the flowers on her dress. He will be a wonderful big brother.
It will be weird to have another little boy, I am sure we will love him to death also. We felt the same way before having Ethan, thinking of actually being parents was such a foreign idea to us now we cannot think of how it would be without him.
So I guess, that is all for now, enjoy life, enjoy family, may the blessings of heaven fall hard on you. Laters
This site will turn in to everything but political, or will try.
I have been leery about posting items on here about family. I really don't want a target placed on them for things that I post about political items.
So off to the races, this is what is going on in life.
Ethan is now 18 months old, that means I will no longer be in nursery with him at church, that means I can actually do some work in my calling. He has been trying so hard to say new words, we have the books out and read to him a lot. Yesterday he was trying to say car and it was something like "quaaacaar". We are so proud of him as he picks up little things here and there. He has a fascination with his bib drawer, he tends to take any cloth item and store it in there, such as my shirts, dirty bibs, and socks. For a few months now we have been able to ask him to put his clothes in the hamper and he eagerly doe is, and makes sure they are all the way in, not like his dad. Bath time is also a fun time for him, he loves to take a bath so much. we tell him it is time for a bath and he runs off to his room and starts to pull stuff out of place. It is his way of trying to get something done for his bath. We then undress him and tell him to run and he takes off for the bath and climbs in. He gets mad if we do not take his diaper off fast enough for him.
Next is bedtime, he loves it, and that makes us love it even more. We ask him to get his drinks and he gets his water and milk bottles and if one is too low he will bring it to the kitchen and we will fill it up and then he takes both to his room. Then we go through the struggle of brushing his teeth. Prayers are said then one of us sits with him, his blanket that he loves, his glow worm and his bottles, if one is missing he will let us know. He will usually drink his bottle while playing with his glow worm in the dark as we sit there rocking him. Then he will try to say bed, letting us know he wants in his bed, although sometimes bed and book both sound the same and he really wants his book. We set him in his bed and he just plays with his glow worm and talks for about a half hour to an hour and then goes to sleep. We are too lucky to have such a sweet little boy. He loves to torture the cats, especially when they are trying to sleep. He loves to go outside, I can't blame him, not that our house is all that big, I would go nuts in there too. He will run to get his shoes and bang on the door when we say the word "outside" or even if we say something about having to go.
This last week at church I sat in the back of the chapel on the stage due to the whole place being packed like a can of tuna. Ethan and I sat next to another couple form our ward that has a newborn little girl and Ethan was such a sweet little boy to her, he would lay his head on my arm as he gently touched her leg or the flowers on her dress. He will be a wonderful big brother.
It will be weird to have another little boy, I am sure we will love him to death also. We felt the same way before having Ethan, thinking of actually being parents was such a foreign idea to us now we cannot think of how it would be without him.
So I guess, that is all for now, enjoy life, enjoy family, may the blessings of heaven fall hard on you. Laters
Sunday, February 22, 2009
A New Site
I invite all who have a political opinion, left, right, middle, north or south, however you define freedom, to join me in a new blog. This one here I have reserved for my own opinion, but this other s for all to post on and voice their opinion, if you would like to join, please leave a comment below. So far we have some wonderful minds on it and would like to see more.
The new Blog is: http://anationonfire.blogspot.com/
The new Blog is: http://anationonfire.blogspot.com/
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